Secret Guilt
by BensidyLove
Summary: Six months ago, the worst thing to happen to parents, happened to Olivia and Brian. Six months later, only two people know what really happened that night: one in WP, and the other sworn to secrecy. Will the guilt eat them alive, or will somebody find out themselves?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I was watching this movie when this idea popped up in my head. It starts off slow, but I have tons of twists planned for it. This is my first angsty fic ever so bear with me. Some information you need to know, Brian and Olivia have been together since season 1, got married around season 4, and had a baby around season 7. This story contains a lot of flashbacks so I hope it doesn't confused anyone. Also, if you read any of my other stories, you know I hate uploading short chapters, so the next one will hopefully be longer. Huge shoutout to my beta, Nicole, myjoyfulx3heart on here. She writes amazing Bensidy stories too. Reviews are liked. :)**

* * *

Olivia ran her fingers over her stomach as she looked in the mirror. There were two scars, one on top of the other. One that brought a life in this world, and another that ended a life. Six months ago she was in a tragic accident. Six months ago, she lost her only child. It was a stormy winter night when she was rushing to get home. Something happened at the precinct, that had her crawling out her skin.

_"No, I'm leaving. I'm not going to do that." Olivia said as packed her things. She just wanted to get this case off her mind, and go home to cuddle with her son and husband._

_"Liv, I'm sorry, but it's already done." A voice yelled out to her as she nearly ran out the precinct._

_It was storming, she was upset, it was dark. She shouldn't have been driving. Jason was rambling on about his day. Olivia was only half listening. She couldn't believe what she had to do._

_"Mommy?"_

_"Huh, baby?" Olivia focused her attention back on the present. While she was thinking about her day, she didn't even realized how fast she was going, nor did she notice the red light she just ran._

_"I wanna be a big brother." Jason spoke his last words._

_Then it happened almost like it was planned. They were t-boned on the passenger side. They slid across the street and flipped over a curb. Jason flew to the other side of the backseat, and died on impact. He was strapped in, but he wasn't secured. It wasn't the first time Olivia forgot to do it, but it was now her last. Ironically, a windshield wiper was lodged right above where Olivia was cut for her c-section._

Brian walked into the bedroom and sighed. Every day for the last six months, he would walk in on her looking at her scars. "Liv..."

"Not today, Brian. Please not today." She said with tears running down her face. Today was Jason's birthday. Five years ago, she was in labor with him for 40 hours before they just decided to perform a c-section. Now, her five year old son was six feet under, and it was her fault.

Six months ago, Brian lost his only child, and it seemed like he lost his wife too. If Olivia wasn't crying in her closet before she went to bed and passed out from emotional exhaustion; she was sleeping in Jason's room. The only time they talked was about Jason. "I got the flowers. I'm ready whenever you are." He said in a quiet voice. He was always tiptoeing around his words because Olivia was always on edge.

She took a deep breath. "I just need a few more minutes, then I'll be ready."

"Okay." He walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I love you so much. You can't blame yourself, baby." This was a line he was always repeating to her.

"Bri, I said not today. I just want to celebrate his life."

"That's fine. I'm just saying."

She pulled from his embrace not liking where this conversation was going. "I'm ready."

Olivia and Brian slowly walked up to Jason's tombstone. Olivia hadn't stopped crying since she woke up this morning and now she was crying so much she could barely see.

* * *

"Hey, buddy." Brian said as sat down in the grass. "Happy birthday."

"Hey, baby. Happy Birthday, big boy." Olivia sat next to Brian and grabbed his hand. She tried to breathe, but a sob was trapped in her throat.

"You know he hates when you cry, baby."

_Olivia just got home from working a case for three days straight. It was a child abuse case, and those were never easy, but now that she had Jason, they were even harder to deal with. As soon as she walked into the house, Jason attacked her._

_"Mommy!" He gripped her legs. "Missed you so much."_

_She dropped her things and picked up her son. He was four and the spitting image of his father. "I missed you so much, baby." She held him much tighter after cases like this._

_Jason pulled away and kissed her on the cheek. "Can we play before bed?" He asked hoping he could get some time alone with his mom._

_"Of course. You go get the toys ready while I talk to daddy, is that okay?"_

_"Yup!" He yelled as he jumped down from her grasp._

_Olivia took a deep breath before she walked upstairs to her bedroom. "Bri!"_

_"Up here, baby!"_

_She nearly ran up the stairs and in the room to see her husband. "I'm so happy to see you." She said, the tears already running down her face._

_"Oh, Liv." He grabbed her and wrapped her in his arms. "Let it out."_

_"You...those kids...I saw Jas...'" She sobbed and muffled into his shoulder._

_He moved them over to the bed. They were positioned to where Olivia was sitting on his lap. "You got the guy, and even though you can never take back what happened to those kids, they can start recovering now that their abuser is behind bars."_

_Jason walked in the room with a smile on his face that immediately faded when he saw Olivia crying. "Mommy, what's wrong?" He ran to her side. "Don't cry." He reached up and wiped her tears. "I don't like you sad."_

_"I don't like mommy sad, either," Brian said before he placed a soft kiss on Olivia's temple. "We love you."_

_Olivia smiled and picked Jason up. "Okay. I'll stop. I have my two favorite boys with me. I should be so happy."_

"I'm sorry, Jas, I just miss you so much. Your smile could literally brighten up a room."

"He was a perfect little boy." Brian added.

Olivia shook her head. "I'm so sorry, Jas. I should have been more careful."

"Liv..."

"Brian, I'm trying to get closure. You know, what everyone has been forcing me to do. Either you support me, or you can leave."

Brian knew she needed this, so he simply nodded, kissed her knuckles, and stayed quiet.

"You were telling me about your day. I still have the picture you drew that day. You drew daddy, me, Uncle Fin, and Auntie Melinda. You were always so good in art. But you know what I remember most? The very last thing you ever said."

Brian became confused. Olivia had never mentioned this to him or to anyone for that matter.

"You said you wanted to be a big brother, and no matter how hard daddy and I have to try, we'll make that happen. Give us a while to get everything together, okay? Just remember that we won't and can never replace you. You're our first born, Jas. You brought us so much joy and we can never forget that. Mommy loves you." By the time she was finished, she was shaking uncontrollably with sobs.

Brian wrapped his arms around Olivia. "We had lots of great memories, kid. We made so many bets on how long mommy was going to be at work. I owed you cookies and let you stay up late. I never won those, now that I think about it." He chuckled as a few tears escaped his eyes. "You were such a bright kid; definitely got that from your mom. Even though we won't be able to see you grow up, you're forever in our hearts, and we have the best guardian angel ever. I love you so much, Jason. Like I promised, I'll take good care of mommy for you now. Happy birthday."

* * *

"Liv, can we talk?" They had just gotten back from the cemetery. He knew Olivia was drained, but it was something bugging him that he needed to get off his chest.

"Can you make it quick? I'm so tired, Bri." She said as she climbed in the bed next to him.

"You want another kid?" He got straight to the point.

She sighed. "Even if Jason was still here, I would want another one. He wanted to be a big brother, and since I killed him, it's the least I can do."

"You didn't, Olivia." He absolutely hated when she blamed herself for the accident.

"Brian, we've been over this so many times before. I should have been more careful in those types of weather conditions." The tears were back. "I always fucking forget to secure the damn seat belt. The doctors said if I would have secured it, he wouldn't have flown which is what killed him. It's my fault, and nobody can convince me otherwise."

"Liv..."

"No, okay. I'm trying to move on, but I can't. It is so hard living with the fact that you're the reason that someone isn't alive anymore." She lowered her voice and looked down at her hands that were resting in her lap. "It's even harder when you know that your husband hates you too."

"How...how could you even think that?" He shook his head as he tried figure out what would make her feel this way.

She turned to look at him. "You can't lie and say not even a tiny part of you hates me. It's okay if you do, because I hate myself too."

Olivia was scaring Brian. The last time she talked like this, it was the day after the funeral.

_"Liv, I'm home!" Brian hated that he had to go work during a time like this. His son had just died, and his wife was still recovering from an accident. He didn't get a response, and figured she was sleep. He walked in the bedroom and saw her sitting on the bed with her gun in her lap. "Liv?" He was getting insanely worried._

_"I tried to stay strong, I really did."_

_"No, Liv, please."_

_"I killed my son. I killed our son. I'm a murderer." She said like an emotionless robot._

_Brian walked closer to her. He couldn't lose her. Not now, not ever. "No, Liv. You didn't. I can't lose you and Jason. Please, let's just talk about this." He felt the tears stinging his eyes. This couldn't be happening._

_"I'm sorry, Brian. I love you." She lifted the gun to her head._

_Brian jumped into immediate action and dived for the gun. It went off and hit the wall. Brian was laying on top of her crying, hard. He looked down at her and saw pure shock. She wasn't herself. This wasn't Olivia, and that scared the hell out of him_.

"You want to know the truth, Olivia? I was upset. My son died. Do I blame you? I did at first. I wanted to know how you could let this happen, but I got over it because it was an accident. Nobody is playing the blame game here except for you. Nothing you say or do can make me stop loving you. We're in this for better or for worse, and right now, we have to tough it out. I love you and will never stop."

He said exactly what she had wanted to hear this whole time. She needed to hear the truth, no matter how much it hurt her. She was slowly, but steadily making her step to closure. "Thank you," she said through tears. "Jason wouldn't want me like this. Tomorrow, after therapy, I'm finally going to clean out his room."

Brian pulled Olivia closer to him and kissed her forehead. "I'm so proud of you. Jas is proud of you too. I'm not saying this will get better or easier, but you will get stronger."

"Have I told you I loved you lately?"

He took a deep breath. "No, you actually haven't, but I know you do, so don't worry about it. I love you."

"I'm sorry, Bri. I've been neglecting you. There's no excuses."

"You're mourning the loss of our child. That's okay. I haven't been paying you much attention either. We've both been in our own little worlds since the accident." He sat up in the bed a little. "That's why I want to take you on a date tomorrow."

"Well, I can't really say no. It's our 10 year wedding anniversary." She kissed his knuckles. "You've been the best husband anyone could ever ask for. I love you."

He smirked. "The best, eh? I don't want to toot my own horn, but..."

Olivia elbowed him in the ribs and chuckled. "Shut up."

He grinned. "Alright, but you have to be the best wife ever. I'm so happy that you decided to marry a chump like me."

"But Bri, you're a great man. I'm the one who's lucky to have you. You've been with me through hell and back, and back again. That's why I married you."

Between what today was and the words Olivia had just said to him, he got a little teary-eyed. No matter the circumstances, they always found their way back to each other. That's what made them a great couple. They were like a complicated puzzle that took time to be put together, but the end result was a beautiful thing.

He didn't respond with words; he responded with a passionate kiss that he put all his feelings in. No matter what it took, he was going to make sure he and Olivia would get through this together.

Olivia pulled away and tried to catch her breath. "Wow," was all she could say after a kiss like that.

"You bring me nothing but pure happiness. I can't put in words how much I love you."

She smirked. "Would you still love me if I told you Jas always called me asking when I was coming home, and that's how he won the bets?"

"I knew!" Brian yelled, then burst into laughter. "Why didn't I think of that? God, he was a genius."

Olivia leaned on Brian's shoulder and sighed contently. "Yes, yes he was."


	2. New Beginnings

**I tried not to make you guys cry...that much. Enjoy :)**

* * *

"Olivia, Brian, nice to see you again." George said as the couple sat down across from him. "How are things?"

Brian grabbed Olivia's hand. "We went to Jason's grave yesterday, and I think we're moving in the right direction."

George noticed that the couple did look happier since the last time he saw them. He looked over at Olivia. "Are we any closer to cleaning out Jason's room?"

She nodded. "I'm planning on doing it today. Leaving it the way it is makes it seems like he's coming back..." She trailed off as tears pricked her eyes. She was honestly so tired of crying, and wanted to be happy again, but her happiness died along with Jason. "...and I know that'll never happen."

Brian squeezed Olivia's hand to signal that he was there for her.

George took a deep breath. "Did you guys tell each other what we talked about last week in our private sessions?"

They both nodded and George was definitely surprised. Brian and Olivia were the most stubborn people in the world, and Brian would never want to hurt Olivia intentionally. "Well, how did that go?"

Olivia spoke first. "I needed to hear that he blamed me. It may be weird, but it helped. In my head, I keep thinking that this is a nightmare that'll I wake up from, but it's not. Hearing someone besides myself blame the situation on me helped."

"Brian, do you still blame her?"

"Not anymore. I'm not going to lie, it took awhile to do so, but it wasn't her fault. It wasn't anyone's fault, and I wish she would stop blaming herself."

George shifted in his seat uncomfortably at Brian's last statement that didn't go unnoticed by Olivia. "Olivia, do you blame yourself because the seat belt wasn't secure?"

"No. I blame myself because I was speeding, it was storming, I ran a red light, and the seat belt wasn't secure. Honestly, this was my fault, and I'm starting to live with it. I'm never going to get over the fact that I killed my son, and I pray he forgives me for what I did to him."

"Is that why you want another baby?"

Olivia tried to calm herself down before she answered the question. She hated feeling weak. She hated not feeling like herself, and in this moment, she hated herself. "It is. I feel as if it's the least I can do for ending his life so soon and all."

Brian let out a loud groan.

"Problem?" George asked looking in Brian's direction.

"I just hate when she talks like this. I hate hearing her constantly blame herself. Nobody could have seen this coming. I just want my wife back. This isn't her. I know a loss can change a person, because it sure as hell changed me, but it hurts and frustrates me that she thinks of herself as a murderer."

"I'm sorry, but I can't change the way I feel. No matter what, I'm going to live with this guilt for the rest of my life. If it frustrates you that much, I just won't bring it up to you. Problem solved." She snapped back. She felt as if Brian was trying to tell her she was wrong for how she was feeling.

"That's not what I meant, Liv. I just hate seeing you hurt like this. We both lost our son, but you're carrying the burden more because you think you killed him, and you didn't. It honestly feels like I lost both my son and wife that day, and I can't deal with it any longer."

George couldn't help but to feel guilty while he listened to them go back and forth. This was going to tear them apart. Putting his career to the side, he cared about both of them deeply, and knew he had to stop this. "How does that make you feel, Olivia?"

She shook her head and removed her hand from Brian's. "What do you mean you feel like you lost your wife?"

"Emotionally, mentally, and sexually, I lost my wife. You may be here physically, but you're not all the way here. I can barely get an I love you out of you nowadays. That hurts."

"Well, I'm sorry for mourning the loss of our son." She crossed her arms and legs and bit her lip to fight back a new wave of tears. It seemed as if her whole life was falling apart, and she didn't know how to stop it.

"You can't keep using that as an excuse! I mourn too. You don't think I cry at night thinking about how I'll never go to a sports event of his or teach him how to respect girls? You don't think this hurts me as much as it hurts you? I have to hide my emotions to be strong for you because you seem like you'll fall off the edge at any moment." Brian finally blew up. He couldn't hold his emotions in anymore. He looked over at Olivia, and the look she had on her face broke his heart.

Her chin was trembling and she no longer fought the tears. After being with her for so long, he could read her like an open book.

He shouldn't have yelled at her like that. "I'm sorry, Liv." He tried to reach out to touch her, but she jerked away from him.

"Don't touch me. You said what you had to say, and I said what I had to say. Happy fucking 10th anniversary to you too, Brian." She got up and stormed out the room.

"Fuck!" Brian buried his face in his hands.

George cleared his throat. The tension in the room had just grown to unstandable levels. He's seen couples fall apart because of the death of a child, and he refused to let it happen to friends of his. "It looks like we need to cut this session short." He had a phone call to make.

* * *

"Liv, can we talk about this?" Brian asked as they walked in the house.

"I think you've done enough talking for one day." She said as she walked upstairs.

Brian sighed. This was not how he wanted to spend his 10th year wedding anniversary, and he refused for it to be tension between them like this. He followed her. "No, we're going to talk about this. Us not talking is what caused this."

She turned around and looked him dead in the eye. "What do you want me to do? Fuck you? Tell you I love you?"

"That would be a nice start." Brian said as they walked in the bedroom.

She squinted her eyes at him. "Are you serious right now?"

"Are you serious right now? You're upset because I said I don't feel loved by you? This is why! Every time we talk, we're arguing or crying over Jason. I just want to feel happy again. I want you happy again. Your smile is the light of my life, and I haven't seen it in months."

"What..what am I suppose to do, Brian? My life, it's falling apart. I ran out of therapy today because what you said scared me. If I lose you..." She shook her head and let the tears fall freely. "I'll have nothing to live for."

"No, you're not losing me. I love you more than life itself, and we've been through too damn much to give up now." He walked up to her and cupped her face in his hands. "This rough patch is just a test of our love."

"I don't understand how you could love me after all of this. You're amazing to me." She looked him in the eyes. "I love you."

"Good." He smiled. "Can I kiss you?"

Olivia leaned in and pressed her lips to his softly. This was different than the kisses they shared over the last 6 months. Those were just "I'm going to work, see you later." kisses. This one had emotion and passion behind it. She couldn't lie, she missed the intimacy between them. Brian was right, she did forget about him.

When air was needed, they both pulled away smiling. They knew they had a long road of recovery ahead, but it was worth it, because they were with each other.

"Happy anniversary, Liv." Brian said with their foreheads still touching. He looked her in the eyes, and for the first time in a long time, he saw Olivia again.

"Can you help me with Jason's room?"

He grabbed her hand and led her to the end of the hall where Jason's room was at. Neither of them had moved anything since the last day Jason was alive. When Olivia did occasionally sleep in there, she found a spot in the corner and slept there.

"I don't even know why you asked." Brian turned around and looked at her making sure she she wanted to do this. "You ready?"

She nodded, as she already felt the tears burning her eyes. This was something she would have to do so she could move on. It was going to hurt like hell, but she was more than grateful that Brian was going to be by her side.

Brian sighed before he opened the door. In all honesty, he wasn't ready for this at all. He tried to avoid coming in here as much as possible. He tried acting like this didn't happen. He pushed all his feelings down, and he was soon going to regret it.

* * *

"They need to know. We can't keep this from them anymore, or they're going to end up divorced." George said.

"Until we know the coast is clear, this has to stay between you and me."

"What about him? You don't think this is hurting him too? If they aren't better the next time I see them, I'm telling. I don't care if I lose my job or my license. My friendship with them is much more important."

"George, that wouldn't be smart. Then you'll be in danger, and who's going to have your back?"

"You're not in those sessions. You're not looking in the eyes of a broken woman who thinks she killed her son! You're not seeing a 10 year marriage slowly disintegrate because of a lie! Don't tell me what the hell isn't smart, because this whole plan wasn't smart at all." And with that, George stormed out the house. He knew if he wanted this all to end, he would have to do it himself.

* * *

The last time Brian and Olivia felt like this was after the funeral. They just sat in their bedroom silent crying, thinking about what they just did.

_"He's gone." Olivia choked out in a raspy whisper._

_"I know." Brian replied._

_"And it's all my fault." She curled up into a ball and sobbed loudly. She just buried her son. Something a parent should never have to do._

_"Liv, how many times do we have to go over this? It isn't your fault."_

_She didn't reply. She heard that so many times today, and she still didn't believe it. No one was in that car with her. She knew that if she was driving safely, and paying attention, none of this would be happening._

_Brian figured she wasn't in the mood to talk, and to be honest he wasn't either. He just wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare, except it was reality. He got up from the bed. "You want a beer?"_

_"No. Vodka." She mumbled._

_He knew where this was headed. "On the rocks?" He asked. It was her signature drink nowadays._

_"No. Bring the bottle."_

_"Liv.."_

_"Brian, bring me the damn bottle, or I'll get it myself." She hated that she was turning to alcohol to get rid of the pain. She hated that she was turning into her mother, but the worst part is, she hated herself._

_There was no need to fight with her, or to even try and compromise. Brian knew her way too well. Olivia was going to come out of this situation one of two ways, and so far, she was going down the wrong path._

Now, they were sitting in the middle of a nearly empty bedroom. They had got rid of the furniture, most of his clothes, and toys. They clothes and toys they kept had memories attached to them that couldn't be replaced.

"I swear, if we would have let him, Jason would have worn this shirt everyday." Olivia said as she held up a navy blue shirt that said "Both of my parents are cops, therefore, I am a cop."

Brian chuckled. "He slept in it every night, along with the bear my mom gave him."

"He was such a perfect child." Olivia leaned on Brian's shoulder and folded the shirt in her lap. "He was always smiling, like you could never be in a bad mood with him around."

Brian was silent for a moment. "Whatever is going on with us right now, he wouldn't want it."

"I know." She whispered. "He would probably put us in time-out." She said smiling.

_"Liv, what the hell do you think you're doing?"_

_"Packing your things. I want you out my house, now!" Olivia said throwing Brian's things in a garbage bag._

_"Why can't we talk about this?"_

_She looked at him and twisted her lips in a frown. "There's no need to talk about the fact that you slept with a slut while you were undercover. Your son and I hadn't heard from you in days before you came home."_

_"My cover would have been blown!"_

_Olivia rolled her eyes and went back to 'packing' for him. "Just like she blew you. Did you not think I was going to find out?"_

_"Are you kidding me?" He walked over to her. "Olivia, I love you more than anything. My life was in danger, and I did what I had to do. Am I happy with what I did? No, but I didn't have any other choice."_

_"I don't want to hear it." She handed him the bag. "Just go." She whispered as her eyes begin to well up. Through everything her and Brian had been through, she didn't think she would have to add infidelity to the list._

_"Just listen to me, baby, please." He begged her. He wasn't ready to just give this up._  
_"JUST GO!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. Her emotions were boiling over. She had enough._

_"Daddy, don't go." Jason came bursting in the bedroom with tear stained cheeks. He had heard the whole argument._

_Both Olivia and Brian's heart broke at the sight. They didn't want Jason to have to see them like this, but there was no way to avoid it._

_Brian squatted down to his level. "I'm sorry, kiddo. I'll be back in the morning."_

_"Stay!"_

_"Jas, I'll be back. I promise. Mommy and I just need a few days apart."_

_"But, you just got back."_

_Olivia was watching the scene between them, and realized this was hurting Jason more than it was hurting her._

_"I know. I love you." Brian kissed his forehead before he stood back up. He looked over in Olivia's direction. "I love you too." He started to walk towards the door, but Jason blocked him._

_"No, stay."_

_Olivia spoke up. "You know how when you do something bad, you have to go in time-out? Well, that's what daddy is doing. He'll be back."_

_Jason shook his head. "No. Time-out here. Both of you." He walked out the room and shut the door behind him. "Five minutes!" He yelled from the other side of the door._

"He was so mature for his age. I forgot he was five sometimes. Whether we realize it or not, Jason helped us with so many things." Brian said as he was walking around the room absorbing the memories. His son was the best thing that happened to him besides marrying Olivia, and now it was heartbreaking to think about the fact he would never see his face or hear his voice or see him smile anymore.

* * *

"I'm ready." Olivia walked down the stairs in a knee-length dark purple dress. Her hair was full of bouncy curls, and she had on light make-up.

Brian turned around and his jaw dropped. It wasn't the first time he had seen Olivia in this dress, but she seemed to just get more beautiful. "You look absolutely amazing."

"Thank you." She smiled and even blushed a little.

"I see why this was Jason's favorite dress of yours. You just took my breath away." Brian said still raking his eyes over Olivia.

"Bri..." He knew how much she hated him drooling over her like a dog, but at the same time, she was happy she still had that effect on him.

His eyes lit up as soon as he heard his nickname. "I'm Bri again?"

"For now, but if you don't feed me soon, you'll be Sergeant Cassidy." She said grinning.

"After you, baby."

**XXXXXXXXX**

"Brian, I can't believe you got reservations here." Olivia said as she allowed Brian to pull out her seat.

"I pulled a few strings, beat up a few people. No big deal." He chuckled. "I'll do anything to see that smile on your face."

She smirked. "An illegal romantic? Boy, did I luck up."

"I mean, he's pretty sexy too."

"True, but you know something else about him?"

Brian raised an eyebrow. "What?"

She leaned over the table and whispered. "He's getting laid tonight." She sat back down in her seat and smirked at his reaction.

Brian felt his friend twitch and he gulped. "Seriously?"

"I don't leave the house without underwear on for no reason. Happy 10 year anniversary."

Brian was two seconds away from grabbing Olivia and taking her home. "You need to stop before I take you to the bathroom." He managed to get out before the waitress came to their table.

"Can I start you guys off with some drinks?"

"I already ordered ahead. It should be under Cassidy."

The waitress face lit up. "Oh, you guys are the Cassidys? Happy anniversary! I'll get your wine and appetizers." She walked away.

"Brian, you really did pull some strings. I..."

"Don't thank me. You've been married to me for 10 years. You deserve the world. I don't know how and why you put up with me for all these years, but I'm happy you did." He pulled a box out of his pocket. "That's why I got you this." He opened it, and revealed a diamond band. "It's about time I make your finger shine a little bit brighter."

Olivia didn't try to hold back her tears. Brian treated her like a queen, and she doesn't know why he thinks he doesn't deserve her. "Bri," she held out her left hand for him to put the band on. "You've been the best husband anyone could ask for. We've been through the ringer, and I still fall in love with you more and more everyday. I'm the one that doesn't deserve someone as good as you. I love you."

"Let's just say we both don't deserve each other, but we deserve the world, and for as long we been together, we've been giving each other that." He leaned over the table, and Olivia met him in the middle for an earth-shattering kiss. They were going to survive this. They were going to be okay.

* * *

Brian pushed Olivia against the wall and ran his hands up and down her sides. "No panties, huh?"

"Not even a thong." She ran her hands over his chest.

"You are such a bad girl." He began to kiss and lick at her neck.

She tilted her head to the side to give him better access. "Very bad. I should be punished." She gasped when she felt his teeth sink into her neck.

"Already of ahead of you." He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs and arms around him.

Olivia started kissing Brian, hard as he carried them up the stairs. She ran her fingers through his hair, and every step they went up, she bounced against his hard member, and the would both groan into the kiss. It had been too long and Olivia felt like she was going to explode already.

Brian finally got them in the room, and he threw Olivia on the bed. He pulled off his clothes quickly while Olivia go rid of her dress.

He grunted when he saw Olivia laying on the bed in just her strapless bra, waiting for him to take control. "Fuck." He hovered over Olivia and stared in her eyes. "I love you."

She placed her hand on the back of his neck. "I love you, and tonight, I'm going to be in charge."

"But why?"

"Earlier today you said saying "I love you.", and fucking you would be a nice start to us getting better, so..."

Brian smiled and rolled off her. "Say no more." He put his hands behind his head. "I'm all yours."


	3. Can of Worms

The morning after was either a good thing or a bad thing. For Olivia and Brian, it was great. It was the first time in a long time that they were intimate.

Olivia always woke up before Brian. Her head was lying on his chest and she was running her finger up and down his happy trail. In this moment, she felt so content, so happy. In this moment, she forgot about all her problems. She forgot about the long day she had ahead of her, or the long road of recovery. Just being in Brian's arms brought her bliss.

A few minutes passed before the alarm rang. Olivia shut it off hoping it didn't wake Brian. He needed as much sleep as he could get before work since she kept him up all night. She smirked at the memory. They always had a physical relationship. They were two attractive people that couldn't keep their hands off each other.

"I know you want me to stay home with you, but I need to go to work." Brian mumbled.

Olivia licked her lips and smiled. That man's voice first thing in the morning could do things to her body. "I just thought an extra five minutes wouldn't hurt."

He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "You're right. Somebody kept me up all night; not that I'm complaining or anything."

"Oh, I know you're not. You did a lot of complimenting last night." She winked.

"Well, when you're that damn good, you deserve a little praise. Matter of fact," he flipped them over. "I think I want breakfast in bed."

She rolled her eyes. "Just can't keep it down, huh? If you have breakfast in bed, you may be late for work."

"Like I give a damn." He started kissing his way down her body. Just when he got to his designated place, his phone rang.

"Knew it." Olivia smirked and grabbed his phone. "Cassidy."

"Oh, hi Mrs. Cassidy. Is Brian around?" The nervous rookie asked.

"He's a little busy at the moment." Olivia said as Brian was kissing her inner thighs. She bit her lip to fight back a moan. "Is it urgent?"

"Uh, yes, ma'am. Tucker is down here demanding to see him."

Olivia shot up and pushed Brian away from her. "Brian, why does Tucker want to see you?"

Brian sat up and grabbed the phone. "Tell that bastard I'm on my way." He hung up and jumped out of bed. "I swear to God..."

"Calm down, Bry. Have there been any screw-ups lately?"

He rushed around the room trying to find something to wear. "Hell if I know. I'm barely there half the time."

Olivia's head dropped. "Sorry."

"No, Liv, it isn't your fault. I chose to stay home with you because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to."

"Okay, you need to go. Tell me if you need me to come down there and kick Tucker's ass."

Brian smiled. "Don't stray too far from the phone then." He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I love you, baby."

* * *

"We have reason to believe that you and Olivia are unwillingly part of a set-up involving NYPD and the FBI."

"A set-up? Who's involved?"

"I can't tell you that, but I can tell you that this set-up started around the time your kid died."

Brian took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. He was trying to process everything that was going on right now. "You're telling me that the accident was planned? That someone purposely tried to kill my wife and son?" He asked with his voice rising as he felt anger overpower him.

Ed remained calm. "That's what it's looking like. For now, you and Olivia need you watch your backs until we get down to the bottom of this." He stood up and left the room.

Brian felt physically sick to his stomach. The fact that someone was trying to kill off his family made him want to die. He had to figure out who this was, and when did, there was going to be hell to pay. Now he was struggling to decide if he should tell Olivia or not.

She was just starting to show signs of recovery; now she was going to have to deal with the fact that someone purposely killed Jason. Brian thought that maybe he should talk it over with George before he told Olivia, but then again she knew he would talk to Tucker, and he couldn't lie to her.

He pulled out his phone and dialed Olivia's number.

She answered on the third ring out of breath. "Hey, babe. What's up?"

"You okay, Liv?"

She smiled. "Yeah. Just got back from a quick jog. Everything okay with Tucker?"

Brian felt his palms start to sweat and started to get nervous. He began to rub the back of his neck nervously. "Yeah, wanna go out to eat at our favorite diner?"

"Sure," Olivia answered sensing that something was wrong. "Let me shower first, and I'll meet you there."

"No rush. I have some loose ends to tie up here. I love you."

"Don't forget I have to go shopping with your mom later on, so it has to be quick."

"No problem; see you soon."

"I love you, bye." She hung up with an uneasy feeling her stomach. Spending time with her mother-in-law was already going to be hell on earth, but now she had the sick feeling that Brian was hiding something from her.

Brian laid his phone on the desk and stared at the picture that he had of Jason and himself on his desk. It was a candid photo that Olivia took while they were sleep. Jason couldn't have been any older than three, and he still tried to sleep on Brian's chest as much as he could. All the pictures he had of Jason, this had to be his favorite.

He picked up the picture and rubbed his thumb over it slightly. "I'm going to find out who did this to you, and when I do, they'll regret it."

* * *

Brian was sitting in the corner booth when he saw Olivia walk in the diner. She didn't even look around because she knew exactly where he would be sitting. Fortunately for her, after being with him for 15 years, she knew exactly what he was thinking at any given moment.

"Why does it look like someone killed your best friend?" Olivia asked as she sat next to him in the booth.

"Because they did," he said harshly.

"Wait, what? Who died?" She placed her hand on his arm.

"Tucker hinted that the car accident was a set-up. Someone was trying to kill you and Jason."

Olivia's hand dropped and her eyes immediately welled up. "No. He's lying." She shook her head trying to process what she just heard.

"I wish he was." Brian pulled a file from next to him and slapped it on the table. "Here's all the proof."

Olivia opened the file and flipped through the pages. What she was reading just wasn't adding up. "So..."

"Look, Liv, I have no idea what that all means except someone wants you dead. I lost Jason, and I refuse to lose you."

Olivia bit her trembling lip and nodded. "I didn't kill him...someone else killed my baby. We have to find out who set this up." All this time she thought she was the one to kill her. All the restless nights and countless nightmares was for nothing. This new information changed her whole way on thinking what actually happened that night of the car accident.

"We will, Liv, I promise." He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head. "And when we do, I'll let you pull the trigger first."

Olivia cracked a small smile, but Brian was right; whoever did this wasn't walking out alive.

* * *

"You did what? Why the hell would you give Brian that information? Those are two detectives, and they are going to start putting two and two together. Do you want this operation to fail?"

"Listen, they need to move on from this so they can both focus on work. SVU is slowly falling apart without Olivia there. This will help them heal."

"You're an idiot, Tucker. Olivia isn't going to come back to work until she finds out who "planned to kill her son", so thank you for that. Keeping all of this a secret just became ten times harder."

"Would you rather them find out what really happened that night, or would you just let me steer them into another direction until the smoke clears?"

"Ellie!" A voice called.

"I have to go. You better hope your stupid plan works out."

* * *

Olivia took a deep breath and walked in the small boutique. She was meeting her mother-in-law to do some shopping. Olivia and Cecilia had a great relationship before Jason's death. After the her outburst at the funeral, it pretty much went downhill from there.

Olivia saw Cecilia rummaging through a rack of clothes. Olivia wished she would have had a shot before she came. She felt the tension between them before she even walked in the store, and after reluctantly leaving Brian, she was not in the mood for any non-sense. "Cec, how are you?" She asked as nicely as possibly with the fakest smile plastered on her face.

"Better now that you're here." Cecilia replied with the same fakeness. "I've seen some things that I know my Brian would love to see you in."

"Actually, before we get to the shopping part, you and I need to have a talk."

Cecilia knew exactly what Olivia was talking about. Yes, she did think she was out of line at the funeral, but Jason was her only grandchild, and she was hurt by his death.

_"I can't believe you killed him." Cecilia sobbed as she looked at the closed casket in front of her. So much damage was done to Jason's upper body, that the only choice was to have a closed casket, which hurt even more._

_"Mom, stop." Brian said through his tears. This was already a rough day for him, and he didn't need his mom adding on to his stress. "Please, stop. You think that's what she needs to hear right now?"_

_"No, Bri, she's right. I killed my son. This is all my fault." Olivia choked on her tears. She couldn't stand to look at the small white casket anymore. The reason that everyone was gathered today was because she was a murderer. She got up from her seat and walked away. She needed a breather. As she walked down the aisle, she heard the whispers, she felt the looks. She just knew everyone blamed her for this just as much as she did._

_"If she wanted to get rid of him, this was not the way." Cecilia spat._

_"Today is not about you. You just couldn't act like a bitch for one day?" Brian got up and chased after Olivia. Yeah, he felt bad for calling his mom a bitch, but that was a compliment compared to what his mom had been calling Olivia lately._

"I was hurt. Jason was my only grandchild, and now he's gone. I handled my stress the wrong way, and I really do apologize for that, Olivia. Mother to mother, what you're going through is unbearable. If I had to bury one of my boys, I would die. I also hurt Brian by hurting you, and that's what I hate the most."

Olivia tried not to cry as she heard an apology for the first time. "Cec, I saw you as the mom I never had. What you said to me after the accident hurt me to the core," she said barely above a whisper. "I already felt so bad, and I thought I would at least have yours and Brian's support. I was wrong. I accept your apology, but it's going to take me awhile to be able to trust you again."

"That's all I ask. You're like the daughter I never had, and I want you to stay around, for Brian's sake." She smiled.

Olivia chuckled. "That's another conversation." She saw Cecilia's face change, and knew what she was thinking. "We're better now. Just with the death and stuff, things changed. After yesterday, our eyes were opened to a few things. We realized that it's time to focus on us again, while still keeping Jas peacefully in our memories."

Cecilia let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God. I can't deal with a death and a divorce in the same year. We would all go crazy."

Olivia smiled and shook her head. "For some odd reason, I love that son of yours too damn much to let him go."

* * *

It's been two weeks since Brian and Olivia had received the file from Tucker. Every day for two weeks, the pair spent countless hours looking over the papers in the files and the reports from the accident. So far, they had nothing.

"Bri, I've been a detective for 16 years, and I'm pretty good at my job, but this, this is for the birds." She dropped a stack of papers on the bed and sighed. "I don't think we'll ever find out who did this."

"Jason wouldn't want us to give up on this."

"Brian, there's no connection. No one in this file was at the hospital or at that scene. Most of them have albis. We're chasing nothing."

He sighed. "Olivia Marie Benson-Cassidy."

"Brian Nicolas Cassidy." She shot back with a raised brow.

He smirked. "I'll make you a deal. If we don't find any connections by the end of this week, then we give up and let karma take its course, but if we do find something..."

"Deal." She looked down at the papers. "The only thing I'm seeing is most of these agents were handlers for people in WP. The case we were working at the time ended up with the victim having to go in WP."

"I have a list, except one person is uncalled for because of close ties with the victim and his family."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "His? The victim was a female."

"No." Brian pointed to the bottom of the sheet. "Male victim, and he went by himself, while his family was left behind."

She took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes. "I'm more confused than ever. So my vic went into WP along with another male vic that same night that the accident happened?"

He nodded. "That's what it looks like. Something seems off about this. Was the driver of the other car male or female?"

"Female. She was in a coma for three months."

"So who the hell is this victim, and what handler is being protected by the Bureau, and why?"

"Bri, what the hell did we just stumble upon?"


	4. Alive

**James is the guy Olivia was investigating around the time of the accident. Don't hate me, guys. K? K.**

* * *

"George, you work for the FBI, you can get this name for us." Olivia was pleading with him at the moment. If this person knew anything about what happened that night, maybe just maybe Olivia could get the closure she needs.

"Olivia, I will lose my job. Do you want that to happen?" George wanted to know how the hell she got this file. Them having this file almost pointed them to exactly what happened that night.

"George, I'm going to lose my mind again. Do you want that to happen?"

Brian stood in the background and let Olivia take charge. He knew that she had this special power over anyone she came in contact with and could get whatever she wanted.

"Olivia, I want to know who did this to Jason as much as you do, but I can't give you that information." God, George felt physically sick having to lie someone that he considered one of his closest friends, but to make sure that everyone apart of the operation was safe, he had no other choice.

Olivia squinted to her eyes, and began to question him. "Why do I have a feeling that you're lying to me?"

George gulped. He forgot that he was talking to the best detective in the city.

Olivia stood up and started pacing the room. "You know something about this that you're not telling us. It's all making sense now. You wanted to counsel us instead of us going to someone else, you personally made sure we didn't see any reports from the accident, and lately you've gotten more uncomfortable in our sessions. What is going on?"

Now Olivia had Brian thinking. What she was saying was making sense, but he didn't want to believe that George would lie to them. "If you know something, I think you should tell us now." He said in a calm, yet stern voice.

George felt the pressure and he couldn't keep it from them much longer. He sighed and knew as soon as the words would come out of his mouth, he should start looking for another job. "The unnamed handler is Elliot."

Both Brian's and Olivia's jaws dropped. It had been three years since anyone had seen or spoke to him, and it made sense now. He was a handler and was probably constantly in and out of being undercover.

Brian spoke first sensing that Olivia wasn't going to be able to form words at the moment. "So who is this other victim that Elliot is handling?"

"I've already told you too much." George stood up from his desk and got nervous as he saw Brian start to approach him.

"You don't have kids, so you can't even imagine what the hell we're going through. By you keeping this a secret, we could arrest you for the obstruction of justice."

"I'm willing to take that risk."

* * *

"So she knows why I haven't been answering her calls? Trust me, I wanted to..." Elliot shook his head. He wanted to talk to Olivia and tell her everything that was going on, but he couldn't. George had been keeping him updated about how she was, and it was not looking good. He knew it was a majority of his fault, also.

"I'm guessing she put two and two together. When I said your name, she went white. I think it's just time to pull the plug on this whole thing. This going back and forth is not healthy for anyone."

"If we tell them, and they know we were involved, they will kill us both. They trust us, Olivia trusts me, and look what we're doing."

"It's not like we wanted to do this, well not me. You were first in line to be apart of this."

"George, don't even go there. I was about to take a break from work to spend time with my family, then this case popped up. No one would have been right except for me because it involves Olivia."

"They're no closer to finding James than they were 6 months ago. I say we get rid of this whole operation and bring two families back together."

"After all the mourning she did? Olivia will kill us both, and I wish I was joking."

"Mommy? Is she here?" Jason asked as he walked in the room.

No, buddy. We've been over this before. We have to make sure you're safe, then you can see mommy."

"Does mommy miss me?" He asked innocently.

George nodded. "Mommy and daddy misses you a lot."

"Well why haven't they called? I miss them a lot too."

Both George and Elliot sighed. There was no right way to answer why two parents haven't tried to call their own child. They couldn't tell Jason that everyone thought he was dead, but he was the child of two detectives, and he wasn't going to live this down.

* * *

"You okay, Liv?" She hadn't spoke much since she heard Elliot's name. She came home and went straight to the files.

"Jason isn't dead." She said not even looking at Brian.

Brian sighed and put the coffee on the nightstand. "And why do you think that?"

"Elliot is a handler to a victim he has close ties with. Only the victim went under, and it happened the same night as the accident. Elliot is Jason's godfather, we didn't go under, and we never saw Jason's body. You said the accident was planned? Captain told me to stand down or James was going to come after me. I told him I can't, and he replied it's already done. Brian, you're a detective, put two and two together. We couldn't view his body, he had an closed casket funeral, and the way George is acting, I'm pretty sure he is behind this as well as Elliot."

Brian sat on the bed processing everything Olivia had just said. She did make some very valid points, but he just couldn't believe that Jason was still alive after all this time. He didn't realize he was just staring at her until she began to spoke.

Olivia groaned. "Oh, God. You must think I'm crazy."

"No. I always knew you were crazy, and I still married you." He smiled and wrapped his arms around her. "Listen, if you want to go down this road, I'll hold your hand the whole way. I just don't want you to get your hopes up."

"I'm 100 percent sure about this. My mother instincts and detective instincts are telling me Jason is still out there."

"Baby, you don't have to explain yourself to me. You have a feeling, we're going to chase it. If it's a dead end, then so be it. I have your back no matter no what. So who are we talking to first?"

"Definitely not George, but Cragen has to know something, and Tucker gave you these files which means he may know a little. I'll go see Kathy and see if she can give me any information on Elliot's whereabouts." She sighed. "Why did Dana have to be a murderer? I could have easily gotten all this information."

"You can always go sweet talk Dean Porter. He probably still has a thing for you." Brian smirked.

Olivia jabbed him in the ribs. "Stop. I'll talk to Kathy and Cragen, while you talk to Tucker again?"

"I really don't want to talk to that jerk, but I will for you. Uh, maybe you should give Kathy a heads up that you're coming. It has been three years since you guys talked or seen each other."

"Uh, she called when Jason died, but that's it." She used the word died loosely now because of all this new information that was popping up.

"Okay, then I'll see Tucker tomorrow. I think we need to talk to the other driver too. Let's see who put her up to this."

* * *

"Olivia, what can I do for you today?" Cragen asked as he watched her walk into his office. It's been 6 months since the last time he'd seen her step foot in the precinct.

She didn't speak. She dropped the folder on his desk and took her seat.

A few minutes went passed as Cragen looked over everything. He cleared his throat and closed the folder. "I don't know much, but I can tell you that this information is accurate." The guilt was starting to eat him alive, and he was glad to get this off his chest.

"So you knew this whole time? Is that what you meant by 'too late'?"

"Olivia, I had no idea that it was going to involve death. George told me..."

Olivia scoffed. "So George is behind this?"

"I honestly can't answer that. He did give me heads-up that something was going to happen. If I knew that would involve Jason, I would have tried to stop him."

"And you thought it would be okay to keep this a secret from me? Who else knows about this "set-up"?" She raised her voice in frustration. She thought Don was someone she could trust, she thought George was someone she could trust, but she was obviously wrong.

Don felt bad for keeping this a secret all this time, but he didn't want her to hurt anymore than she had to. "Olivia, I'm sorry."

"Save it." She spat.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

Olivia was livid. Everyone that she thought she could trust, was slowly turning on her. It wouldn't surprise her if Elliot had some part in this too. She knocked on the door and waited for someone to come answer it.

Kathy opened the door and was shocked to see Olivia standing there. "Olivia, hi."

"Hey, Kathy. May I come in?"

"Sure." Kathy moved over so Olivia could come in. She had an uneasy feeling in her stomach, and knew this visit would be far from friendly. "So what's up?"

"Where is Elliot? I need to talk to him."

Kathy tried to talk, but Olivia cut her off. "Don't say you don't know either. I dumped your phone. You guys talk every day, multiple times a day. I know he's a handler, but tell me where he is."

Kathy gulped. Elliot warned her that this was going to happen, but she was no where near prepared. Being a mother herself, she hated that she had to be apart of this massive and hurtful lie. "Now you and I both know I can't tell you that."

"You can because I'm not seeing him for personal matters. His name popped up in an investigation, and as his ex-partner, I'm trying to clear it."

"I know you're lying. You can't intimidate me into telling you that information."

Olivia took a deep breath. Kathy had grew some balls over the years. She stepped closer to her. "You're a mother. Imagine if you were in my shoes. Imagine that it was you and Eli. You would want me to tell you everything I knew, right?"

Kathy stumbled on her feet as she tried to back away from Olivia. "Yes, but..."

"No buts." Olivia step back a little to give her space. "I thought you of all people would understand, but I guess I was wrong."

"Olivia, I am truly sorry, but legally, I can't say a word."

"I'm really tired of hearing that bullshit."

* * *

"Today was fucking horrible." Olivia mumbled into Brian's chest. "I don't know who to trust anymore. There's a huge secret that everyone knows besides us. What did we do to deserve this?"

Brian sighed and rubbed Olivia's back. She was right. She didn't deserve this at all. Olivia had the hardest time trusting people, and now everyone was turning their back on her in her time of need. "Hey, I'm here. It's us against the world, and we're going to find out the truth. After I hit Tucker a few times, he spilled the beans. George and Elliot has a part in this, but Cragen doesn't know as much as they do. Eli is with Elliot somewhere upstate because James wants to come after everyone that you care about."

"I didn't think of tracing his phone." She pulled away from Brian. "Why would he do this to me? After 12 years of friendship and partnership, this is what I get in return?" Her voice was slowly rising as her emotions start to bubble over. "I give everything into friendships and relationships, and I always get burned! From trying to fix my relationship with Simon, to even my marriage. I always get hurt and no one ever thinks twice about Olivia's feelings. My son may or may not be dead, and all of a sudden everyone wants to plead the fucking fifth!" She stood up from the bed. "I'm done. I'm going to find out the truth, even if it kills me." She stormed out the bedroom.

* * *

**Betcha didn't see none of this comingggggggg**


End file.
